When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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