i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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