I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
