Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
