you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize