Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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