Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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