thus making me awesome and them whores
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
