franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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