we have pet lesbian snakes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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