I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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