I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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