I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
