I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
