Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
