i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
