i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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