The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
