a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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