We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize