Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Come see our sink grown plant.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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