is your mom at the bar?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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