Just fell off a train. Bad.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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