Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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