I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
