Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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