I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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