i already hear my dad disowning me
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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