There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
