i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
