the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
