I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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