I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize