Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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