Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
