I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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