I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
