I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
