So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
