I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Bring me that man meat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
