Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
