The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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