mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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