He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
