I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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