It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
