Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize