I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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