Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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