a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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