I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
