he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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