Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
