last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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