My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My life is pants optional.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
