it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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