i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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