im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
