one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
