My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
