he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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