so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
