if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
