I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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